Letter Thirty Six

I am frightened. 

The cold. 

It hugs my windows, leaving icy diamonds around their frames. 

I sit and I wait. 

The frost starts to creep into my home. 

You left me all alone in this darkness you lured me into. 

You called for me in the dark and I came to your rescue.

I hugged your body and held your hand and kissed your forehead.

Every warm thought, every warm touch, every warm feeling I had, I gave to you. 

I lit every candle I had and made a path for you to follow out of the darkness.

But as you left the darkness, you blew out each candle until there was no more light left.

I thought you would take my hand and bring me with you. 

But you did not want me to come.

So I sit and I wait.

The frost begins to crawl onto my skin. 

It leaves icy diamonds all over my weak body. 

I feel a cold sting and ache over my bones and muscles as I try to move.

I realize you took all of my warmth with you. 

I try to call out but only an icy fog escapes from between my cold lips.

The fog crystallizes and I see each word I want to speak, frozen and floating away from me.

They try to follow your tracks, alas there is only darkness ahead. 

Silence. Just silence.

It screams so much louder than any word you could yell at me. 

It hurts more than any injury you could give me. 

It numbs more than any medicine could sedate me. 

The frost has now trickled its way into my heart. 

Icy hot pain shoots through my chest as I hold onto the feelings your silence inflicts upon me.

It churns and boils deep inside of me, ready to bubble over. 

I take my shaking fingers and lift them to touch my mouth that no longer calls for you.

My lips are like ice.

They hurt from the cold so I lick them to feel warmth.

Remnants of the last time I kissed you coat my lips still, but they are no longer sweet. 

How bitter you taste to me now as I spit out what is left of you in front of me. 

I sit in shock of myself. 

I have never wanted to be rid of you so much in my life.

I don't know how to feel about these new feelings flooding my cold, betrayed body. 

They give me a horrible strength that could lead me from the darkness.

But if I embrace them, I will be irrevocably numb to you. 

The thought of such numbness brings upon my body an unbearable ache that I have never felt.

It feels as though my ribs are cracking and my heart will burst. 

Warm tears begin flowing from my eyes as I desperately pray for my heart to thaw. 

There has to be another way out of the darkness. 

I will not discard my good heart to mend the wounds you have left on me. 

So I sit and I wait and I think. 

The cold. 

It frightens me. 

Because it is swirling inside of my heart

Waiting for me to give in. 

I can not.

I will not. 

Letter Thirty Five

Where'd you go, you were there by my side

Keep believing it's my turn to hide

In a place where we don't have a prayer

There's a tether that's keeping me there

Trade our places

Take no chances

Bind me 'til my lips are silent

Stay where you are

Ever, after

Chasing things that we should run from

Will we ever get away from this place

It's an image that's burned on my chest

For a moment you need me to stay

Cold blooded and drifting away

I'm feeling capable of

Seeing the end

I'm feeling capable of

Saying it's over

Letter Thirty Four

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGikYoLRrJk

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth

And with a word all my love came rushing out

And every whisper, it's the worst,

Emptied out by a single word

There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown

I'm living on such sweet nothing

But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold

I'm living on such sweet nothing

And it's hard to learn

And it's hard to love

When you're giving me such sweet nothing

Sweet nothing, sweet nothing

You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go

Cause I have swallowed every single word

And every whisper, every sigh

Eats away this heart of mine

And there is a hollow in me now

And it's not enough to tell me that you care

When we both know the words are empty air

You give me nothing

Letter Thirty Three

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

I tried to find the sound

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became

 I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you"

I truly have become darkness. I am blinded and I am paralyzed. I am in the darkest place I have ever been in and I am completely alone. I have no one.

I sit and I stay in this darkness just to hear your heartbeat every once in awhile. And even when I do, it isn't beating for me. 

It's searching for a heart that is not mine; a perfect heart that exists somewhere in your future. 

My heart is not what you want. For some reason, I am not enough anymore. 

Letter Thirty Two

Today I miss you. 

I miss you kissing me on the nose. 
I miss talking for hours about nothing and everything.
I miss never feeling like I had to be anyone but myself around you.
I miss dancing in front of you to get your attention when you weren't giving me enough.
I miss your goofy voice mails. 
I miss hijacking your Facebook account and posting cheesy status updates about how much you love me. 
I miss going for walks.
I miss holding hands everywhere we went. 
I miss sharing music with you. 
I miss wearing your shirts when we were hanging out. 
I miss the smell of your cologne. 
I miss teasing you that U2 opened for Snow Patrol when really it was the other way around.
I miss your crazy hair. 
I miss your voice saying "Squirrelfriend". 
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss you laughing at all of my corny jokes. 
I miss dressing up for Halloween with you. 
I miss visiting you while you tended bar and pretending I didn't know you. 
I miss getting presents from you and for you. 
I miss making food with you. 
I miss the way you walk. 
I miss you threatening every boy that was mean to Laura. 
I miss watching home videos with you. 
I miss taking pictures with you because we are equally photogenic and vain. 
I miss freaking you out with random biting attacks.
I miss your cheesy pickup lines and the way you flirted with me.
I miss you laughing at quite possibly the dumbest YouTube parody videos in existence. 

I miss you a lot today.  

Letter Thirty One

I stared at the wall in silence

My eyes locked on nothing and yet everything all at once

Heavy arms hung from my sides, numb and unwavering, framing my body as it sat quietly

I felt nothing

I wondered if my heart was still beating

I couldn't hear it echoing through my chest like usual

The beat wasn't guiding my breathing anymore

My heart had to be there, because I was alive

Or was I just conscious? 

I made an attempt to find out

One huge gulp of dry, stale air entered my mouth 

It lingered one second too long and then promptly retreated between my lips

Breathing

Breathing was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I was breathing with the same lungs that allowed me to cry so helplessly for so long

Horrible tears had poured from these same eyes only months before

They were heavy, burning, hopeless tears 

Endless streams of them tattooed my cheeks 

Feeling

Feeling was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I felt for so long, so hard, so much. 

Too much

Every pain heightened to unbearable levels  

I was left with no other choice but to stop feeling

I was left numb 

Like a sleeping limb, a bitten tongue, a frozen heart 

Numb 

Numb was not good. Not healthy. Not normal. 

The numbness was a refreshing change though

...For awhile...

Then it remained and plagued my existence with its apathy

Lingering

...No, haunting 

Haunting my inner most self 

Threatening to alter my heart and spirit 

All I had left were my thoughts

Every limb, every organ, every part of me was numb except for my mind

Always reeling, spinning, screaming, echoing, singing, thinking

Thinking 

Thinking was better. Healthier. Normal.

This is where I am now. 

I have my thoughts  

They are my shield

My armor against the numbness and against the feelings

I fight reality and vulnerability with my thoughts

My armor and shield. 

My mask. 

My cage. 

My prison.

My secret. 

My mind. 

Letter Thirty

There is a red ink I have been writing with

It seeps from a cavity within my chest 

There is an endless supply of words

Pouring from my soul, onto this paper

Painful and honest scribbles 

Never meaningless and yet they are simple

Simple thoughts dancing like ribbon wrapping itself around a gift

Tied, knotted feelings weave through my chest, sewing and binding the cracked pieces of my heart back together 

Words.

Once swallowed, and forgotten 

Now raw and exposed

Like the songs that have spoken for my heart so many times 

Words.

Tattoos on the heartlines of my small and fragile hands.

You've held them, so tightly and sweetly, in your own not long ago

Our heartlines, once aligned, dancing along our touching palms, with the intensity of two aching heartbeats traveling in the same direction

The strong and painfully perfect rhythm held us together during our slow dance in the pouring rain.

Salty and cold, the raindrops, our tear drops, fell down to Earth

Puddles formed around our feet as we held onto one another tighter

We let the water rise until only our lips were above the surface

With one deep and final breath you pressed your sweet lips onto mine and we let the water devour our bodies

Drowning slowly in our tears, we chose to hold on rather than let go and swim

Breathing was not breathing without your lungs to fill mine

My hands would not work without yours perfectly embracing them

How could we let go and not hold one another amidst this flood

Slowly we let ourselves sink to the bottom of the heavy ocean we created 

The weight of the water crushed our bodies and the pressure from the waves threatened to separate us

Together, sad but determined, we pulled our mouths away from each other, our lips and hearts hating every moment apart 

Our hands slowly loosened their grip on one another and we released them to our sides

How empty and hallow my body felt without you holding it so securely in your strong arms

But we needed to swim

Away from each other

Up to the surface of our tears

To survive. To breathe. To float. To dance together again. 

Letter Twenty Nine

Oh beautiful soul, how very different you are. 
I peeled back the lie I had sewn. 
It was woven into my eyelids and blinding me. 
How kind and perfect you are, my love. 
I feel you breathe when my heart beats. 
We are connected; body, soul, heart. 
I long to hold you against me so I can feel your heart beat against my cheek. 
Let me kiss you. I want your lips on mine before I melt into a puddle of tears again. 
I am only solid for small moments in time. 
Embrace me in this hopeless state.
I am fragile and weak, but you are strong and sturdy.
I close my eyes and I feel your strong arms wrap themselves around my small frame. 
You smell like rain falling from the night sky onto my bare skin. 
I want to dance in your rain. 
I pray you will let your cold heart feel the warmth of my love. 
You shiver in fear and coldness and back away from me. 
Pain and hurt fill the irises of your eyes with the coldest blue. 
The shadows of love and hate both cover your beautiful face as you pull away. 
I feel my heart cracking inside my chest as I realize I can't see your face anymore. 
Tears well up in your eyes as you let go of me, each finger secretly longing to hold on but unable to. 
Guilt, confusion, and sadness color your face with grey and darkness.
My mouth opens to call you back, but my heart leaps into my throat and I choke up nothing but a heavy and horrible sigh. 
A sigh of relief and despair. 
How can I miss you already when you're only feet away from me still? 
My eyes start to burn with hot tears as the crack in my heart breaks it into two equal pieces.
My chest aches. My legs are numb. My eyes burn. My lips are dry. 
I stand. I wait. I hope. I doubt. I crave. I miss. I cry. I scream. I stare.  I reach. I need. I feel.



I love... 


You. 

Letter Twenty Eight

The sun warmed my bones as I sat on the patio of Starbucks this afternoon on my meal break, listening to a Pandora station based on the musical artist, Soley. Sia flooded my ears with a sad song that captured my attention with its melody, mood, and words immediately. 

Last year today, I was in the country of Belize, making friends, working, and finding a new passion for missions. Amidst the joys and blessings of my trip, I was weighed down with the impending loss of my first love and all connections to him. The grief of this relationship had already seeped into my heart and began coursing through my veins. Every day from then until about January of this year, I was riddled with inconstant feelings, dissatisfied with my friendships, not because of lack of love or depth, but merely because the spot in my heart that was now empty could not be filled with the love of a friend. I felt so distant from myself and from others; a separation that I feared would never dissipate. 

Throughout my experience, I was also filled with great joy and peace as I sought the Lord and His will for my life; trusting in Him more than I ever have before. For the first time, I felt completely and wholly light, free of the weight I was so used to carrying. The peace that accompanies the zealous pursuit of the our Father's heart is inexplicable and irreplaceable. To be in such despair, but also filled with great joy is a blessing. What a strange experience, One that all Christ followers feel and understand. 

The lyrics to this song are short and repetitive, but perfectly depict the frustrating feelings of loneliness and neediness I had during this time in my life; the repetitious need for others and the fear of losing myself and being forever altered. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"

Letter Twenty Seven

It has been almost a month without blogging. I am not sure what that means in regards to how my summer has been going, but I am feeling the need for words and reading and writing and expression. 

I read most recently through all of 1 John during a morning of devotion and as per usual came upon a verse that spoke to me.

"God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." 

...To walk in the light...

Over the past year I have truly understood what it is to surrender all things to the Lord and to walk in His light. I have felt sadness and heartache, and yet remained full of joy from the Lord. Never has my heart been so full of both things. This verse speaks to me because it reminds me of God's faithfulness and how He has taken such amazing care of my heart this past year. I have never felt so free and light and it is all because of His grace and love.

Here's to living and walking in the light! (lifts glass of orange juice) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Letter Twenty Six

Today has been a day of music ingestion for me. I feel extremely aware of all things musical. I am not just referring to music itself, which is one of my most precious treasures in life, but the Earth and how it sings constantly. Everything is dancing and playing and its all for the glory of the Lord. I hear songs from the trees in the breeze and the birds chirping and children laughing and cars driving. The Earth is dancing with shadows from the sun and the delicate rustling of leaves and bees circling flowers and people running down streets. I just want to share this with everyone because I think it can breed beauty and depth from simple, overlooked, mundane things. Life is meant to be ingested, breathed in, and not just glazed over with tired and weary eyes. Rejoice! The Lord is alive in everything on Earth!! 

This song is perfect for today and every day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4EPnM62O8A

Letter Twenty Five

...Gaaahhhh...I think my heart is ready. This is a scary, crazy, and exciting feeling for me, but I believe I am ready to find out whose hand I will be holding on all of my adventures. Vulnerability at its finest. A beautiful and frightening thing. Exposing your true self and pouring your heart and soul into another person.  This is what we are made for. I am ready...I am ready...I am ready. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C70SnkZETc0

Glory to God! 

Letter Twenty Four

Passion is an amazing thing. As I sit here in my apartment surrounded by candles and literature on schizophrenia and dopamine, nursing my espresso and iced coffee to keep me focused throughout the night, I am reminded of how incredibly important passion is. I am attempting to write an 8 page literature review on schizophrenia, and while this topic intrigues me and this class has taught me a lot, I find that I am struggling to find passion for this paper. I adore writing and I enjoy reading, however, writing for my psychology courses is actually my least favorite part of my major. I often use "flowery" language and complex sentences that are praised in literature and language courses, but frowned upon in scientific studies. If I only had the passion that my professor and my fellow classmates have, I might feel more confident in my ability to produce a brilliant literature review. 

This realization got me wondering, "What AM I passionate about?" ...But first "What does it mean to feel passion? What does that look like?" 

"Powerful", "barely controllable", and "compelling" are a few of the many words I located amongst the various definitions for "passion". Two of these words captured my attention immediately... "Barely controllable". When I hear or read this, I imagine an emotion overwhelming someone so immensely, that they are unable to contain it; to spout whatever emotion is so passionately raging inside without the ability to withhold it. I have felt this before, but not with a literature review. 

I am passionate about my God. My Father, my leader and King, my one true Love. He fuels the fire in my heart and brings out a passion in me that I can hardly describe. I am constantly playing with the line of bursting into song or dance for Him; shouting out His words and promises to His children. 

"Barely controllable" can bring with it many different reactions. To feel out of control is often a frightening and daunting thought...But we were not designed to manage every aspect of our lives. There is only one who is capable doing this and doing it so that we live our lives freely, wildly, and to the fullest. 

God is always reminding me that He has me. And has always had me. And always will. Surrender is a beautiful and freeing thing that was meant for a passionate soul. We surrender because our passion drives us to a state of restless zeal and joy that can only be truly embraced through sweet surrender to our Father and King's strong and capable hands. He has us and holds us tight and keeps us moving in the best direction for our hearts and spirits. 

I welcome this "barely controllable" life with a joyful spirit and grateful heart. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me as I explore my new neighborhood and grow in my new community and minister here. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpATmuPr84Q

Letter Twenty Three

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:7-12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3JBdi6fWSU

Love! What a beautiful creation by our amazing Father. To be able to experience love in life is such a gift. We can't always find the love we need from others, but the Lord is always steadfast and his love never ends. We can't even begin to comprehend how great it is. It's wider, deeper, taller, stronger than anything in this world. 

To know he loves me unconditionally and freely instantly relieves me of all heaviness that the world can place on my heart and spirit. He is my one true Love and I am so grateful to be aware of his insurmountable adoration for me. 

Rejoice in your identity as a loved child of God!

Letter Twenty Two

Time has been, is, and will always be a deep mystery to me. It has been 7 months. Sometimes it feels like it has been two years. Sometimes it feels like it has been a week. I do not understand how it can change every day, but it does. Some days I am completely numb to every emotion attached to that night. And others, I find myself completely overwhelmed with more feelings than I can keep contained. Praying for some peace this week. Feels like my heart is extremely vulnerable and conscious right now. I need some of what's in my heart and what's on my mind to dissipate. I know the Lord provides strength that no thought or feeling can overcome. 

..."O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Letter Twenty One

Dancing for the Lord is such a beautiful act of worship. I find that more often than not nothing surpasses the incandescent glory that I find when I am jumping and spinning and twirling for my Lord. So often we allow ourselves to be trapped by fear or insecurity during worship, but there is only joy and humility to be felt. And what better way to express these overwhelming emotions than moving around and dancing with and for the Lord. Glory!! Dance in the sunshine today, Christ is risen. 

PSALM 150

Praise the Lord.
Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness.Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him withe the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with the resounding cymbals. 
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. 
Praise the Lord.

Letter Twenty

I am fragile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54

Letter Nineteen

After months of searching and waiting, I do believe I have found myself again. I was worried I was forever changed and unable to once again be my independent, free-spirited self. I basically spent the last four months of 2012 completely restless, lonely, and insecure. To feel controlled by an incessant need to be around others and in-turn an insatiable desire for affirmation from others was extremely frustrating to me. I can not begin to express how incredibly disappointed I was in myself when I discovered I could no longer go to a coffee shop by myself or sit in my room and just listen to music with no one around. Not only the ability to do these things, but the desire to do them is such an important part of ME and something I have always been proud of. Contentment has never been a struggle for me. I can always find a positive element in a hopeless situation. I can make my own fun in a boring environment. I can find companionship when there is no one around.

 

While this season of loneliness in my life has passed, and I am once again JULIE, I find that I am grateful it existed. It was not only necessary for proper closure, healing, and rejuvenation, post break-up, but I believe it was healthy for me to experience this new need in life. I have never been one to pursue friendships. I am happy to be good friends with many people and I adore fellowship and adventures with others, but I am not one to seek this avidly. I have never pursued my friendships because of restlessness or loneliness.

  

This winter I could think of nothing but spending time with others. I avoided solitude every single day with attempts to fill every free moment with something to do with someone. While this frustrated me to no end and confused my poor heart, I find that being forced to pursue others and step out of my comfort zone was very good for me. Many times, I found that no one was free to spend time with me, and while this was my greatest fear, it taught me how to cope with it in a healthy manner. The thought of being rejected or disliked was a reoccurring thought of mine this winter and plagued my existence. While being eccentric and wild is something I embrace to the fullest and pride myself in, it is also the foundation of my fears in all relationships. To face this weakness head-on, I believe, will help me immensely in the future. The Lord has protected and guided me, challenged and strengthened me, encouraged and enlightened me. He has taught me and helped me grow as a disciple of Christ, as a friend, and as a woman. 

 

Letter Eighteen

BLUE. It is my favorite color. I had this revelation a few months ago and was reminded of it tonight as I painted my blue, monochromatic picture for class. Initially I just assumed I had an affinity for the pigment; simple and sweet; but I quickly realized that my adoration for the color blue has an origin and an important place in my life; something so much deeper and meaningful than I could have imagined. 

Quite often I find that my breath is taken away from me whilst wandering alone in nature, surrounded by creation. The trees, the flowers, the ground, the animals are all glorious and amazing, but nothing is as humbling, as resplendent, as majestic to me as the sky. The Lord romances me every time he sneaks some blue into the sky; every time he paints the moon orange; every time I see the floor of heaven through the stars. My spirit dances and my soul sings and my heart pounds when he fills everything above me with blue. 

I find that the dome shape of the sky that hugs the entire Earth, the millions of stars and planets that sprinkle bits of light above us, the huge billowing clouds that float land so gracefully and determined, humble me and remind me of God's splendor, beauty, strength, and love. 

Glory! Glory! Glory! 

Letter Seventeen

Upon reading the Word this morning, I discovered a verse that is close to my heart and that seemed to speak to me directly amidst the many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been flooding my spirit as of late. "But you, man (insert woman :)) of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith (shout out to Paw Paw Schue). Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." -1 Timothy 6:11-12

I am in a new season of life; new people, new places, new scents, new tastes, new community. I am inexplicably ecstatic about everything NEW right now. I feel like I have finally embraced the contentment that God has been holding out in his hands for me to grasp. My restless, little heart has been bolting from one side to the other, changing its mind, crying and then laughing, dancing and hiding and running and playing, and finally it has decided to stop moving and just listen. This verse, these words, this song of faith from my Abba Father is what moves me when I need to move and what holds me when I need to stop. Once again, the Lord shows his confidence in His children to live godly and glorious lives. He has called us to further His kingdom and I find so much hope in His words. 

These words from Him, also planted into my mind a song that I adore that equally inspires me to embrace my place as Christ's daughter. I find that many of Mumford and Sons' songs are interlaced with spiritual themes and I have always found "Sigh No More" to be a prime example of seeking God's glorious plan for your life. 

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST59IaiCUdA