After months of searching and waiting, I do believe I have found myself again. I was worried I was forever changed and unable to once again be my independent, free-spirited self. I basically spent the last four months of 2012 completely restless, lonely, and insecure. To feel controlled by an incessant need to be around others and in-turn an insatiable desire for affirmation from others was extremely frustrating to me. I can not begin to express how incredibly disappointed I was in myself when I discovered I could no longer go to a coffee shop by myself or sit in my room and just listen to music with no one around. Not only the ability to do these things, but the desire to do them is such an important part of ME and something I have always been proud of. Contentment has never been a struggle for me. I can always find a positive element in a hopeless situation. I can make my own fun in a boring environment. I can find companionship when there is no one around.
While this season of loneliness in my life has passed, and I am once again JULIE, I find that I am grateful it existed. It was not only necessary for proper closure, healing, and rejuvenation, post break-up, but I believe it was healthy for me to experience this new need in life. I have never been one to pursue friendships. I am happy to be good friends with many people and I adore fellowship and adventures with others, but I am not one to seek this avidly. I have never pursued my friendships because of restlessness or loneliness.
This winter I could think of nothing but spending time with others. I avoided solitude every single day with attempts to fill every free moment with something to do with someone. While this frustrated me to no end and confused my poor heart, I find that being forced to pursue others and step out of my comfort zone was very good for me. Many times, I found that no one was free to spend time with me, and while this was my greatest fear, it taught me how to cope with it in a healthy manner. The thought of being rejected or disliked was a reoccurring thought of mine this winter and plagued my existence. While being eccentric and wild is something I embrace to the fullest and pride myself in, it is also the foundation of my fears in all relationships. To face this weakness head-on, I believe, will help me immensely in the future. The Lord has protected and guided me, challenged and strengthened me, encouraged and enlightened me. He has taught me and helped me grow as a disciple of Christ, as a friend, and as a woman.
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