My eyes locked on nothing and yet everything all at once
Heavy arms hung from my sides, numb and unwavering, framing my body as it sat quietly
I felt nothing
I wondered if my heart was still beating
I couldn't hear it echoing through my chest like usual
The beat wasn't guiding my breathing anymore
My heart had to be there, because I was alive
Or was I just conscious?
I made an attempt to find out
One huge gulp of dry, stale air entered my mouth
It lingered one second too long and then promptly retreated between my lips
Breathing
Breathing was good. Healthy. Normal.
I was breathing with the same lungs that allowed me to cry so helplessly for so long
Horrible tears had poured from these same eyes only months before
They were heavy, burning, hopeless tears
Endless streams of them tattooed my cheeks
Feeling
Feeling was good. Healthy. Normal.
I felt for so long, so hard, so much.
Too much
Every pain heightened to unbearable levels
I was left with no other choice but to stop feeling
I was left numb
Like a sleeping limb, a bitten tongue, a frozen heart
Numb
Numb was not good. Not healthy. Not normal.
The numbness was a refreshing change though
...For awhile...
Then it remained and plagued my existence with its apathy
Lingering
...No, haunting
Haunting my inner most self
Threatening to alter my heart and spirit
All I had left were my thoughts
Every limb, every organ, every part of me was numb except for my mind
Always reeling, spinning, screaming, echoing, singing, thinking
Thinking
Thinking was better. Healthier. Normal.
This is where I am now.
I have my thoughts
They are my shield
My armor against the numbness and against the feelings
I fight reality and vulnerability with my thoughts
My armor and shield.
My mask.
My cage.
My prison.
My secret.
My mind.
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