Letter Twenty Eight

The sun warmed my bones as I sat on the patio of Starbucks this afternoon on my meal break, listening to a Pandora station based on the musical artist, Soley. Sia flooded my ears with a sad song that captured my attention with its melody, mood, and words immediately. 

Last year today, I was in the country of Belize, making friends, working, and finding a new passion for missions. Amidst the joys and blessings of my trip, I was weighed down with the impending loss of my first love and all connections to him. The grief of this relationship had already seeped into my heart and began coursing through my veins. Every day from then until about January of this year, I was riddled with inconstant feelings, dissatisfied with my friendships, not because of lack of love or depth, but merely because the spot in my heart that was now empty could not be filled with the love of a friend. I felt so distant from myself and from others; a separation that I feared would never dissipate. 

Throughout my experience, I was also filled with great joy and peace as I sought the Lord and His will for my life; trusting in Him more than I ever have before. For the first time, I felt completely and wholly light, free of the weight I was so used to carrying. The peace that accompanies the zealous pursuit of the our Father's heart is inexplicable and irreplaceable. To be in such despair, but also filled with great joy is a blessing. What a strange experience, One that all Christ followers feel and understand. 

The lyrics to this song are short and repetitive, but perfectly depict the frustrating feelings of loneliness and neediness I had during this time in my life; the repetitious need for others and the fear of losing myself and being forever altered. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"