Letter Twenty Eight

The sun warmed my bones as I sat on the patio of Starbucks this afternoon on my meal break, listening to a Pandora station based on the musical artist, Soley. Sia flooded my ears with a sad song that captured my attention with its melody, mood, and words immediately. 

Last year today, I was in the country of Belize, making friends, working, and finding a new passion for missions. Amidst the joys and blessings of my trip, I was weighed down with the impending loss of my first love and all connections to him. The grief of this relationship had already seeped into my heart and began coursing through my veins. Every day from then until about January of this year, I was riddled with inconstant feelings, dissatisfied with my friendships, not because of lack of love or depth, but merely because the spot in my heart that was now empty could not be filled with the love of a friend. I felt so distant from myself and from others; a separation that I feared would never dissipate. 

Throughout my experience, I was also filled with great joy and peace as I sought the Lord and His will for my life; trusting in Him more than I ever have before. For the first time, I felt completely and wholly light, free of the weight I was so used to carrying. The peace that accompanies the zealous pursuit of the our Father's heart is inexplicable and irreplaceable. To be in such despair, but also filled with great joy is a blessing. What a strange experience, One that all Christ followers feel and understand. 

The lyrics to this song are short and repetitive, but perfectly depict the frustrating feelings of loneliness and neediness I had during this time in my life; the repetitious need for others and the fear of losing myself and being forever altered. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"

Letter Twenty Seven

It has been almost a month without blogging. I am not sure what that means in regards to how my summer has been going, but I am feeling the need for words and reading and writing and expression. 

I read most recently through all of 1 John during a morning of devotion and as per usual came upon a verse that spoke to me.

"God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." 

...To walk in the light...

Over the past year I have truly understood what it is to surrender all things to the Lord and to walk in His light. I have felt sadness and heartache, and yet remained full of joy from the Lord. Never has my heart been so full of both things. This verse speaks to me because it reminds me of God's faithfulness and how He has taken such amazing care of my heart this past year. I have never felt so free and light and it is all because of His grace and love.

Here's to living and walking in the light! (lifts glass of orange juice) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Letter Twenty Six

Today has been a day of music ingestion for me. I feel extremely aware of all things musical. I am not just referring to music itself, which is one of my most precious treasures in life, but the Earth and how it sings constantly. Everything is dancing and playing and its all for the glory of the Lord. I hear songs from the trees in the breeze and the birds chirping and children laughing and cars driving. The Earth is dancing with shadows from the sun and the delicate rustling of leaves and bees circling flowers and people running down streets. I just want to share this with everyone because I think it can breed beauty and depth from simple, overlooked, mundane things. Life is meant to be ingested, breathed in, and not just glazed over with tired and weary eyes. Rejoice! The Lord is alive in everything on Earth!! 

This song is perfect for today and every day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4EPnM62O8A

Letter Twenty Five

...Gaaahhhh...I think my heart is ready. This is a scary, crazy, and exciting feeling for me, but I believe I am ready to find out whose hand I will be holding on all of my adventures. Vulnerability at its finest. A beautiful and frightening thing. Exposing your true self and pouring your heart and soul into another person.  This is what we are made for. I am ready...I am ready...I am ready. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C70SnkZETc0

Glory to God! 

Letter Twenty Four

Passion is an amazing thing. As I sit here in my apartment surrounded by candles and literature on schizophrenia and dopamine, nursing my espresso and iced coffee to keep me focused throughout the night, I am reminded of how incredibly important passion is. I am attempting to write an 8 page literature review on schizophrenia, and while this topic intrigues me and this class has taught me a lot, I find that I am struggling to find passion for this paper. I adore writing and I enjoy reading, however, writing for my psychology courses is actually my least favorite part of my major. I often use "flowery" language and complex sentences that are praised in literature and language courses, but frowned upon in scientific studies. If I only had the passion that my professor and my fellow classmates have, I might feel more confident in my ability to produce a brilliant literature review. 

This realization got me wondering, "What AM I passionate about?" ...But first "What does it mean to feel passion? What does that look like?" 

"Powerful", "barely controllable", and "compelling" are a few of the many words I located amongst the various definitions for "passion". Two of these words captured my attention immediately... "Barely controllable". When I hear or read this, I imagine an emotion overwhelming someone so immensely, that they are unable to contain it; to spout whatever emotion is so passionately raging inside without the ability to withhold it. I have felt this before, but not with a literature review. 

I am passionate about my God. My Father, my leader and King, my one true Love. He fuels the fire in my heart and brings out a passion in me that I can hardly describe. I am constantly playing with the line of bursting into song or dance for Him; shouting out His words and promises to His children. 

"Barely controllable" can bring with it many different reactions. To feel out of control is often a frightening and daunting thought...But we were not designed to manage every aspect of our lives. There is only one who is capable doing this and doing it so that we live our lives freely, wildly, and to the fullest. 

God is always reminding me that He has me. And has always had me. And always will. Surrender is a beautiful and freeing thing that was meant for a passionate soul. We surrender because our passion drives us to a state of restless zeal and joy that can only be truly embraced through sweet surrender to our Father and King's strong and capable hands. He has us and holds us tight and keeps us moving in the best direction for our hearts and spirits. 

I welcome this "barely controllable" life with a joyful spirit and grateful heart. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me as I explore my new neighborhood and grow in my new community and minister here. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpATmuPr84Q

Letter Twenty Three

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:7-12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3JBdi6fWSU

Love! What a beautiful creation by our amazing Father. To be able to experience love in life is such a gift. We can't always find the love we need from others, but the Lord is always steadfast and his love never ends. We can't even begin to comprehend how great it is. It's wider, deeper, taller, stronger than anything in this world. 

To know he loves me unconditionally and freely instantly relieves me of all heaviness that the world can place on my heart and spirit. He is my one true Love and I am so grateful to be aware of his insurmountable adoration for me. 

Rejoice in your identity as a loved child of God!

Letter Twenty Two

Time has been, is, and will always be a deep mystery to me. It has been 7 months. Sometimes it feels like it has been two years. Sometimes it feels like it has been a week. I do not understand how it can change every day, but it does. Some days I am completely numb to every emotion attached to that night. And others, I find myself completely overwhelmed with more feelings than I can keep contained. Praying for some peace this week. Feels like my heart is extremely vulnerable and conscious right now. I need some of what's in my heart and what's on my mind to dissipate. I know the Lord provides strength that no thought or feeling can overcome. 

..."O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Letter Twenty One

Dancing for the Lord is such a beautiful act of worship. I find that more often than not nothing surpasses the incandescent glory that I find when I am jumping and spinning and twirling for my Lord. So often we allow ourselves to be trapped by fear or insecurity during worship, but there is only joy and humility to be felt. And what better way to express these overwhelming emotions than moving around and dancing with and for the Lord. Glory!! Dance in the sunshine today, Christ is risen. 

PSALM 150

Praise the Lord.
Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness.Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him withe the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with the resounding cymbals. 
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. 
Praise the Lord.

Letter Twenty

I am fragile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54

Letter Nineteen

After months of searching and waiting, I do believe I have found myself again. I was worried I was forever changed and unable to once again be my independent, free-spirited self. I basically spent the last four months of 2012 completely restless, lonely, and insecure. To feel controlled by an incessant need to be around others and in-turn an insatiable desire for affirmation from others was extremely frustrating to me. I can not begin to express how incredibly disappointed I was in myself when I discovered I could no longer go to a coffee shop by myself or sit in my room and just listen to music with no one around. Not only the ability to do these things, but the desire to do them is such an important part of ME and something I have always been proud of. Contentment has never been a struggle for me. I can always find a positive element in a hopeless situation. I can make my own fun in a boring environment. I can find companionship when there is no one around.

 

While this season of loneliness in my life has passed, and I am once again JULIE, I find that I am grateful it existed. It was not only necessary for proper closure, healing, and rejuvenation, post break-up, but I believe it was healthy for me to experience this new need in life. I have never been one to pursue friendships. I am happy to be good friends with many people and I adore fellowship and adventures with others, but I am not one to seek this avidly. I have never pursued my friendships because of restlessness or loneliness.

  

This winter I could think of nothing but spending time with others. I avoided solitude every single day with attempts to fill every free moment with something to do with someone. While this frustrated me to no end and confused my poor heart, I find that being forced to pursue others and step out of my comfort zone was very good for me. Many times, I found that no one was free to spend time with me, and while this was my greatest fear, it taught me how to cope with it in a healthy manner. The thought of being rejected or disliked was a reoccurring thought of mine this winter and plagued my existence. While being eccentric and wild is something I embrace to the fullest and pride myself in, it is also the foundation of my fears in all relationships. To face this weakness head-on, I believe, will help me immensely in the future. The Lord has protected and guided me, challenged and strengthened me, encouraged and enlightened me. He has taught me and helped me grow as a disciple of Christ, as a friend, and as a woman. 

 

Letter Eighteen

BLUE. It is my favorite color. I had this revelation a few months ago and was reminded of it tonight as I painted my blue, monochromatic picture for class. Initially I just assumed I had an affinity for the pigment; simple and sweet; but I quickly realized that my adoration for the color blue has an origin and an important place in my life; something so much deeper and meaningful than I could have imagined. 

Quite often I find that my breath is taken away from me whilst wandering alone in nature, surrounded by creation. The trees, the flowers, the ground, the animals are all glorious and amazing, but nothing is as humbling, as resplendent, as majestic to me as the sky. The Lord romances me every time he sneaks some blue into the sky; every time he paints the moon orange; every time I see the floor of heaven through the stars. My spirit dances and my soul sings and my heart pounds when he fills everything above me with blue. 

I find that the dome shape of the sky that hugs the entire Earth, the millions of stars and planets that sprinkle bits of light above us, the huge billowing clouds that float land so gracefully and determined, humble me and remind me of God's splendor, beauty, strength, and love. 

Glory! Glory! Glory! 

Letter Seventeen

Upon reading the Word this morning, I discovered a verse that is close to my heart and that seemed to speak to me directly amidst the many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been flooding my spirit as of late. "But you, man (insert woman :)) of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith (shout out to Paw Paw Schue). Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." -1 Timothy 6:11-12

I am in a new season of life; new people, new places, new scents, new tastes, new community. I am inexplicably ecstatic about everything NEW right now. I feel like I have finally embraced the contentment that God has been holding out in his hands for me to grasp. My restless, little heart has been bolting from one side to the other, changing its mind, crying and then laughing, dancing and hiding and running and playing, and finally it has decided to stop moving and just listen. This verse, these words, this song of faith from my Abba Father is what moves me when I need to move and what holds me when I need to stop. Once again, the Lord shows his confidence in His children to live godly and glorious lives. He has called us to further His kingdom and I find so much hope in His words. 

These words from Him, also planted into my mind a song that I adore that equally inspires me to embrace my place as Christ's daughter. I find that many of Mumford and Sons' songs are interlaced with spiritual themes and I have always found "Sigh No More" to be a prime example of seeking God's glorious plan for your life. 

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST59IaiCUdA

Letter Sixteen

Amidst the chaos of packing my life away and entering an entirely new season and adventure in life, I have discovered my long, lost doodle pad. I had scribbled down a passage from the Bible months ago: Proverbs 31: 10-31. I read it most carefully last night and can't help feeling challenged and inspired by the Lord's words.


A wife of noble character who can find?


She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.


She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.


She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.


Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.






I just adore God's confidence in women to completely embrace their strength, purpose, and value in and through Him. The woman described in this passage is absolutely amazing and would most definitely be as Elizabeth Bennet would say "a fearsome thing to behold" only because of the amount of awe that would accompany any man or woman in her presence. I read this and was not only inspired as a woman, but as a Christ follower in general. I feel the Lord wants his children and kingdom to thrive off of the humility, generosity, and strength described in this passage. Happening upon this passage last night planted yet another seed of contentment in my heart that is watered by the challenge of rising up and pursuing the Lord fully as I embrace my identity as His daughter. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." My heart pounds and my skin gets chills and my face blushes at the thought of such an omnipotent God entrusting me with this powerful identity as His daughter. "She laughs at the days to come"...what a beautiful image of a woman surrendered completely to the Lord and allowing joy to overflow from her through her steadfast trust in God. What an encouragement to know our Abba Father has such faith in us! Praise God for giving us hope and valuing us unconditionally.
10 

Letter Fifteen

I am coming upon a new season in life and I find myself constantly pondering the path that lies ahead. I know nothing of the Lord's amazing plans for me, but I do know that He has me in his arms the whole way. I have tried too often to lead myself where I feel I should go rather than humble myself enough to surrender that power to God, who knows me more than I know myself. I have been praying for the vulnerability and the faith that this new adventure in my life will require in order for me to fully and wholeheartedly pursue Him. I adore the following passage from the Bible and feel it is a guide for every Christ follower's heart and I just pray that I can embrace this in every aspect of my life. I desire so much to find that balance of both pouring into others' lives and yet maintaining my carefree and zealous spirit that dances for the Lord every day. This verse is the answer to my many prayers for contentment and I am so excited for what the Lord has in store for me!


ROMANS 12:9-13

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.