Letter Twenty Nine

Oh beautiful soul, how very different you are. 
I peeled back the lie I had sewn. 
It was woven into my eyelids and blinding me. 
How kind and perfect you are, my love. 
I feel you breathe when my heart beats. 
We are connected; body, soul, heart. 
I long to hold you against me so I can feel your heart beat against my cheek. 
Let me kiss you. I want your lips on mine before I melt into a puddle of tears again. 
I am only solid for small moments in time. 
Embrace me in this hopeless state.
I am fragile and weak, but you are strong and sturdy.
I close my eyes and I feel your strong arms wrap themselves around my small frame. 
You smell like rain falling from the night sky onto my bare skin. 
I want to dance in your rain. 
I pray you will let your cold heart feel the warmth of my love. 
You shiver in fear and coldness and back away from me. 
Pain and hurt fill the irises of your eyes with the coldest blue. 
The shadows of love and hate both cover your beautiful face as you pull away. 
I feel my heart cracking inside my chest as I realize I can't see your face anymore. 
Tears well up in your eyes as you let go of me, each finger secretly longing to hold on but unable to. 
Guilt, confusion, and sadness color your face with grey and darkness.
My mouth opens to call you back, but my heart leaps into my throat and I choke up nothing but a heavy and horrible sigh. 
A sigh of relief and despair. 
How can I miss you already when you're only feet away from me still? 
My eyes start to burn with hot tears as the crack in my heart breaks it into two equal pieces.
My chest aches. My legs are numb. My eyes burn. My lips are dry. 
I stand. I wait. I hope. I doubt. I crave. I miss. I cry. I scream. I stare.  I reach. I need. I feel.



I love... 


You. 

Letter Twenty Eight

The sun warmed my bones as I sat on the patio of Starbucks this afternoon on my meal break, listening to a Pandora station based on the musical artist, Soley. Sia flooded my ears with a sad song that captured my attention with its melody, mood, and words immediately. 

Last year today, I was in the country of Belize, making friends, working, and finding a new passion for missions. Amidst the joys and blessings of my trip, I was weighed down with the impending loss of my first love and all connections to him. The grief of this relationship had already seeped into my heart and began coursing through my veins. Every day from then until about January of this year, I was riddled with inconstant feelings, dissatisfied with my friendships, not because of lack of love or depth, but merely because the spot in my heart that was now empty could not be filled with the love of a friend. I felt so distant from myself and from others; a separation that I feared would never dissipate. 

Throughout my experience, I was also filled with great joy and peace as I sought the Lord and His will for my life; trusting in Him more than I ever have before. For the first time, I felt completely and wholly light, free of the weight I was so used to carrying. The peace that accompanies the zealous pursuit of the our Father's heart is inexplicable and irreplaceable. To be in such despair, but also filled with great joy is a blessing. What a strange experience, One that all Christ followers feel and understand. 

The lyrics to this song are short and repetitive, but perfectly depict the frustrating feelings of loneliness and neediness I had during this time in my life; the repetitious need for others and the fear of losing myself and being forever altered. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"

Letter Twenty Seven

It has been almost a month without blogging. I am not sure what that means in regards to how my summer has been going, but I am feeling the need for words and reading and writing and expression. 

I read most recently through all of 1 John during a morning of devotion and as per usual came upon a verse that spoke to me.

"God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." 

...To walk in the light...

Over the past year I have truly understood what it is to surrender all things to the Lord and to walk in His light. I have felt sadness and heartache, and yet remained full of joy from the Lord. Never has my heart been so full of both things. This verse speaks to me because it reminds me of God's faithfulness and how He has taken such amazing care of my heart this past year. I have never felt so free and light and it is all because of His grace and love.

Here's to living and walking in the light! (lifts glass of orange juice) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Letter Twenty Six

Today has been a day of music ingestion for me. I feel extremely aware of all things musical. I am not just referring to music itself, which is one of my most precious treasures in life, but the Earth and how it sings constantly. Everything is dancing and playing and its all for the glory of the Lord. I hear songs from the trees in the breeze and the birds chirping and children laughing and cars driving. The Earth is dancing with shadows from the sun and the delicate rustling of leaves and bees circling flowers and people running down streets. I just want to share this with everyone because I think it can breed beauty and depth from simple, overlooked, mundane things. Life is meant to be ingested, breathed in, and not just glazed over with tired and weary eyes. Rejoice! The Lord is alive in everything on Earth!! 

This song is perfect for today and every day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4EPnM62O8A

Letter Twenty Five

...Gaaahhhh...I think my heart is ready. This is a scary, crazy, and exciting feeling for me, but I believe I am ready to find out whose hand I will be holding on all of my adventures. Vulnerability at its finest. A beautiful and frightening thing. Exposing your true self and pouring your heart and soul into another person.  This is what we are made for. I am ready...I am ready...I am ready. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C70SnkZETc0

Glory to God! 

Letter Twenty Four

Passion is an amazing thing. As I sit here in my apartment surrounded by candles and literature on schizophrenia and dopamine, nursing my espresso and iced coffee to keep me focused throughout the night, I am reminded of how incredibly important passion is. I am attempting to write an 8 page literature review on schizophrenia, and while this topic intrigues me and this class has taught me a lot, I find that I am struggling to find passion for this paper. I adore writing and I enjoy reading, however, writing for my psychology courses is actually my least favorite part of my major. I often use "flowery" language and complex sentences that are praised in literature and language courses, but frowned upon in scientific studies. If I only had the passion that my professor and my fellow classmates have, I might feel more confident in my ability to produce a brilliant literature review. 

This realization got me wondering, "What AM I passionate about?" ...But first "What does it mean to feel passion? What does that look like?" 

"Powerful", "barely controllable", and "compelling" are a few of the many words I located amongst the various definitions for "passion". Two of these words captured my attention immediately... "Barely controllable". When I hear or read this, I imagine an emotion overwhelming someone so immensely, that they are unable to contain it; to spout whatever emotion is so passionately raging inside without the ability to withhold it. I have felt this before, but not with a literature review. 

I am passionate about my God. My Father, my leader and King, my one true Love. He fuels the fire in my heart and brings out a passion in me that I can hardly describe. I am constantly playing with the line of bursting into song or dance for Him; shouting out His words and promises to His children. 

"Barely controllable" can bring with it many different reactions. To feel out of control is often a frightening and daunting thought...But we were not designed to manage every aspect of our lives. There is only one who is capable doing this and doing it so that we live our lives freely, wildly, and to the fullest. 

God is always reminding me that He has me. And has always had me. And always will. Surrender is a beautiful and freeing thing that was meant for a passionate soul. We surrender because our passion drives us to a state of restless zeal and joy that can only be truly embraced through sweet surrender to our Father and King's strong and capable hands. He has us and holds us tight and keeps us moving in the best direction for our hearts and spirits. 

I welcome this "barely controllable" life with a joyful spirit and grateful heart. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me as I explore my new neighborhood and grow in my new community and minister here. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpATmuPr84Q

Letter Twenty Three

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:7-12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3JBdi6fWSU

Love! What a beautiful creation by our amazing Father. To be able to experience love in life is such a gift. We can't always find the love we need from others, but the Lord is always steadfast and his love never ends. We can't even begin to comprehend how great it is. It's wider, deeper, taller, stronger than anything in this world. 

To know he loves me unconditionally and freely instantly relieves me of all heaviness that the world can place on my heart and spirit. He is my one true Love and I am so grateful to be aware of his insurmountable adoration for me. 

Rejoice in your identity as a loved child of God!