Letter Thirty Two

Today I miss you. 

I miss you kissing me on the nose. 
I miss talking for hours about nothing and everything.
I miss never feeling like I had to be anyone but myself around you.
I miss dancing in front of you to get your attention when you weren't giving me enough.
I miss your goofy voice mails. 
I miss hijacking your Facebook account and posting cheesy status updates about how much you love me. 
I miss going for walks.
I miss holding hands everywhere we went. 
I miss sharing music with you. 
I miss wearing your shirts when we were hanging out. 
I miss the smell of your cologne. 
I miss teasing you that U2 opened for Snow Patrol when really it was the other way around.
I miss your crazy hair. 
I miss your voice saying "Squirrelfriend". 
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss you laughing at all of my corny jokes. 
I miss dressing up for Halloween with you. 
I miss visiting you while you tended bar and pretending I didn't know you. 
I miss getting presents from you and for you. 
I miss making food with you. 
I miss the way you walk. 
I miss you threatening every boy that was mean to Laura. 
I miss watching home videos with you. 
I miss taking pictures with you because we are equally photogenic and vain. 
I miss freaking you out with random biting attacks.
I miss your cheesy pickup lines and the way you flirted with me.
I miss you laughing at quite possibly the dumbest YouTube parody videos in existence. 

I miss you a lot today.  

Letter Thirty One

I stared at the wall in silence

My eyes locked on nothing and yet everything all at once

Heavy arms hung from my sides, numb and unwavering, framing my body as it sat quietly

I felt nothing

I wondered if my heart was still beating

I couldn't hear it echoing through my chest like usual

The beat wasn't guiding my breathing anymore

My heart had to be there, because I was alive

Or was I just conscious? 

I made an attempt to find out

One huge gulp of dry, stale air entered my mouth 

It lingered one second too long and then promptly retreated between my lips

Breathing

Breathing was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I was breathing with the same lungs that allowed me to cry so helplessly for so long

Horrible tears had poured from these same eyes only months before

They were heavy, burning, hopeless tears 

Endless streams of them tattooed my cheeks 

Feeling

Feeling was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I felt for so long, so hard, so much. 

Too much

Every pain heightened to unbearable levels  

I was left with no other choice but to stop feeling

I was left numb 

Like a sleeping limb, a bitten tongue, a frozen heart 

Numb 

Numb was not good. Not healthy. Not normal. 

The numbness was a refreshing change though

...For awhile...

Then it remained and plagued my existence with its apathy

Lingering

...No, haunting 

Haunting my inner most self 

Threatening to alter my heart and spirit 

All I had left were my thoughts

Every limb, every organ, every part of me was numb except for my mind

Always reeling, spinning, screaming, echoing, singing, thinking

Thinking 

Thinking was better. Healthier. Normal.

This is where I am now. 

I have my thoughts  

They are my shield

My armor against the numbness and against the feelings

I fight reality and vulnerability with my thoughts

My armor and shield. 

My mask. 

My cage. 

My prison.

My secret. 

My mind. 

Letter Thirty

There is a red ink I have been writing with

It seeps from a cavity within my chest 

There is an endless supply of words

Pouring from my soul, onto this paper

Painful and honest scribbles 

Never meaningless and yet they are simple

Simple thoughts dancing like ribbon wrapping itself around a gift

Tied, knotted feelings weave through my chest, sewing and binding the cracked pieces of my heart back together 

Words.

Once swallowed, and forgotten 

Now raw and exposed

Like the songs that have spoken for my heart so many times 

Words.

Tattoos on the heartlines of my small and fragile hands.

You've held them, so tightly and sweetly, in your own not long ago

Our heartlines, once aligned, dancing along our touching palms, with the intensity of two aching heartbeats traveling in the same direction

The strong and painfully perfect rhythm held us together during our slow dance in the pouring rain.

Salty and cold, the raindrops, our tear drops, fell down to Earth

Puddles formed around our feet as we held onto one another tighter

We let the water rise until only our lips were above the surface

With one deep and final breath you pressed your sweet lips onto mine and we let the water devour our bodies

Drowning slowly in our tears, we chose to hold on rather than let go and swim

Breathing was not breathing without your lungs to fill mine

My hands would not work without yours perfectly embracing them

How could we let go and not hold one another amidst this flood

Slowly we let ourselves sink to the bottom of the heavy ocean we created 

The weight of the water crushed our bodies and the pressure from the waves threatened to separate us

Together, sad but determined, we pulled our mouths away from each other, our lips and hearts hating every moment apart 

Our hands slowly loosened their grip on one another and we released them to our sides

How empty and hallow my body felt without you holding it so securely in your strong arms

But we needed to swim

Away from each other

Up to the surface of our tears

To survive. To breathe. To float. To dance together again. 

Letter Twenty Nine

Oh beautiful soul, how very different you are. 
I peeled back the lie I had sewn. 
It was woven into my eyelids and blinding me. 
How kind and perfect you are, my love. 
I feel you breathe when my heart beats. 
We are connected; body, soul, heart. 
I long to hold you against me so I can feel your heart beat against my cheek. 
Let me kiss you. I want your lips on mine before I melt into a puddle of tears again. 
I am only solid for small moments in time. 
Embrace me in this hopeless state.
I am fragile and weak, but you are strong and sturdy.
I close my eyes and I feel your strong arms wrap themselves around my small frame. 
You smell like rain falling from the night sky onto my bare skin. 
I want to dance in your rain. 
I pray you will let your cold heart feel the warmth of my love. 
You shiver in fear and coldness and back away from me. 
Pain and hurt fill the irises of your eyes with the coldest blue. 
The shadows of love and hate both cover your beautiful face as you pull away. 
I feel my heart cracking inside my chest as I realize I can't see your face anymore. 
Tears well up in your eyes as you let go of me, each finger secretly longing to hold on but unable to. 
Guilt, confusion, and sadness color your face with grey and darkness.
My mouth opens to call you back, but my heart leaps into my throat and I choke up nothing but a heavy and horrible sigh. 
A sigh of relief and despair. 
How can I miss you already when you're only feet away from me still? 
My eyes start to burn with hot tears as the crack in my heart breaks it into two equal pieces.
My chest aches. My legs are numb. My eyes burn. My lips are dry. 
I stand. I wait. I hope. I doubt. I crave. I miss. I cry. I scream. I stare.  I reach. I need. I feel.



I love... 


You.