Letter Twenty

I am fragile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-1u8xvk54

Letter Nineteen

After months of searching and waiting, I do believe I have found myself again. I was worried I was forever changed and unable to once again be my independent, free-spirited self. I basically spent the last four months of 2012 completely restless, lonely, and insecure. To feel controlled by an incessant need to be around others and in-turn an insatiable desire for affirmation from others was extremely frustrating to me. I can not begin to express how incredibly disappointed I was in myself when I discovered I could no longer go to a coffee shop by myself or sit in my room and just listen to music with no one around. Not only the ability to do these things, but the desire to do them is such an important part of ME and something I have always been proud of. Contentment has never been a struggle for me. I can always find a positive element in a hopeless situation. I can make my own fun in a boring environment. I can find companionship when there is no one around.

 

While this season of loneliness in my life has passed, and I am once again JULIE, I find that I am grateful it existed. It was not only necessary for proper closure, healing, and rejuvenation, post break-up, but I believe it was healthy for me to experience this new need in life. I have never been one to pursue friendships. I am happy to be good friends with many people and I adore fellowship and adventures with others, but I am not one to seek this avidly. I have never pursued my friendships because of restlessness or loneliness.

  

This winter I could think of nothing but spending time with others. I avoided solitude every single day with attempts to fill every free moment with something to do with someone. While this frustrated me to no end and confused my poor heart, I find that being forced to pursue others and step out of my comfort zone was very good for me. Many times, I found that no one was free to spend time with me, and while this was my greatest fear, it taught me how to cope with it in a healthy manner. The thought of being rejected or disliked was a reoccurring thought of mine this winter and plagued my existence. While being eccentric and wild is something I embrace to the fullest and pride myself in, it is also the foundation of my fears in all relationships. To face this weakness head-on, I believe, will help me immensely in the future. The Lord has protected and guided me, challenged and strengthened me, encouraged and enlightened me. He has taught me and helped me grow as a disciple of Christ, as a friend, and as a woman. 

 

Letter Eighteen

BLUE. It is my favorite color. I had this revelation a few months ago and was reminded of it tonight as I painted my blue, monochromatic picture for class. Initially I just assumed I had an affinity for the pigment; simple and sweet; but I quickly realized that my adoration for the color blue has an origin and an important place in my life; something so much deeper and meaningful than I could have imagined. 

Quite often I find that my breath is taken away from me whilst wandering alone in nature, surrounded by creation. The trees, the flowers, the ground, the animals are all glorious and amazing, but nothing is as humbling, as resplendent, as majestic to me as the sky. The Lord romances me every time he sneaks some blue into the sky; every time he paints the moon orange; every time I see the floor of heaven through the stars. My spirit dances and my soul sings and my heart pounds when he fills everything above me with blue. 

I find that the dome shape of the sky that hugs the entire Earth, the millions of stars and planets that sprinkle bits of light above us, the huge billowing clouds that float land so gracefully and determined, humble me and remind me of God's splendor, beauty, strength, and love. 

Glory! Glory! Glory! 

Letter Seventeen

Upon reading the Word this morning, I discovered a verse that is close to my heart and that seemed to speak to me directly amidst the many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been flooding my spirit as of late. "But you, man (insert woman :)) of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith (shout out to Paw Paw Schue). Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." -1 Timothy 6:11-12

I am in a new season of life; new people, new places, new scents, new tastes, new community. I am inexplicably ecstatic about everything NEW right now. I feel like I have finally embraced the contentment that God has been holding out in his hands for me to grasp. My restless, little heart has been bolting from one side to the other, changing its mind, crying and then laughing, dancing and hiding and running and playing, and finally it has decided to stop moving and just listen. This verse, these words, this song of faith from my Abba Father is what moves me when I need to move and what holds me when I need to stop. Once again, the Lord shows his confidence in His children to live godly and glorious lives. He has called us to further His kingdom and I find so much hope in His words. 

These words from Him, also planted into my mind a song that I adore that equally inspires me to embrace my place as Christ's daughter. I find that many of Mumford and Sons' songs are interlaced with spiritual themes and I have always found "Sigh No More" to be a prime example of seeking God's glorious plan for your life. 

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST59IaiCUdA