Letter Thirty Two

Today I miss you. 

I miss you kissing me on the nose. 
I miss talking for hours about nothing and everything.
I miss never feeling like I had to be anyone but myself around you.
I miss dancing in front of you to get your attention when you weren't giving me enough.
I miss your goofy voice mails. 
I miss hijacking your Facebook account and posting cheesy status updates about how much you love me. 
I miss going for walks.
I miss holding hands everywhere we went. 
I miss sharing music with you. 
I miss wearing your shirts when we were hanging out. 
I miss the smell of your cologne. 
I miss teasing you that U2 opened for Snow Patrol when really it was the other way around.
I miss your crazy hair. 
I miss your voice saying "Squirrelfriend". 
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss you laughing at all of my corny jokes. 
I miss dressing up for Halloween with you. 
I miss visiting you while you tended bar and pretending I didn't know you. 
I miss getting presents from you and for you. 
I miss making food with you. 
I miss the way you walk. 
I miss you threatening every boy that was mean to Laura. 
I miss watching home videos with you. 
I miss taking pictures with you because we are equally photogenic and vain. 
I miss freaking you out with random biting attacks.
I miss your cheesy pickup lines and the way you flirted with me.
I miss you laughing at quite possibly the dumbest YouTube parody videos in existence. 

I miss you a lot today.  

Letter Thirty One

I stared at the wall in silence

My eyes locked on nothing and yet everything all at once

Heavy arms hung from my sides, numb and unwavering, framing my body as it sat quietly

I felt nothing

I wondered if my heart was still beating

I couldn't hear it echoing through my chest like usual

The beat wasn't guiding my breathing anymore

My heart had to be there, because I was alive

Or was I just conscious? 

I made an attempt to find out

One huge gulp of dry, stale air entered my mouth 

It lingered one second too long and then promptly retreated between my lips

Breathing

Breathing was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I was breathing with the same lungs that allowed me to cry so helplessly for so long

Horrible tears had poured from these same eyes only months before

They were heavy, burning, hopeless tears 

Endless streams of them tattooed my cheeks 

Feeling

Feeling was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I felt for so long, so hard, so much. 

Too much

Every pain heightened to unbearable levels  

I was left with no other choice but to stop feeling

I was left numb 

Like a sleeping limb, a bitten tongue, a frozen heart 

Numb 

Numb was not good. Not healthy. Not normal. 

The numbness was a refreshing change though

...For awhile...

Then it remained and plagued my existence with its apathy

Lingering

...No, haunting 

Haunting my inner most self 

Threatening to alter my heart and spirit 

All I had left were my thoughts

Every limb, every organ, every part of me was numb except for my mind

Always reeling, spinning, screaming, echoing, singing, thinking

Thinking 

Thinking was better. Healthier. Normal.

This is where I am now. 

I have my thoughts  

They are my shield

My armor against the numbness and against the feelings

I fight reality and vulnerability with my thoughts

My armor and shield. 

My mask. 

My cage. 

My prison.

My secret. 

My mind.