Letter Thirty Six

I am frightened. 

The cold. 

It hugs my windows, leaving icy diamonds around their frames. 

I sit and I wait. 

The frost starts to creep into my home. 

You left me all alone in this darkness you lured me into. 

You called for me in the dark and I came to your rescue.

I hugged your body and held your hand and kissed your forehead.

Every warm thought, every warm touch, every warm feeling I had, I gave to you. 

I lit every candle I had and made a path for you to follow out of the darkness.

But as you left the darkness, you blew out each candle until there was no more light left.

I thought you would take my hand and bring me with you. 

But you did not want me to come.

So I sit and I wait.

The frost begins to crawl onto my skin. 

It leaves icy diamonds all over my weak body. 

I feel a cold sting and ache over my bones and muscles as I try to move.

I realize you took all of my warmth with you. 

I try to call out but only an icy fog escapes from between my cold lips.

The fog crystallizes and I see each word I want to speak, frozen and floating away from me.

They try to follow your tracks, alas there is only darkness ahead. 

Silence. Just silence.

It screams so much louder than any word you could yell at me. 

It hurts more than any injury you could give me. 

It numbs more than any medicine could sedate me. 

The frost has now trickled its way into my heart. 

Icy hot pain shoots through my chest as I hold onto the feelings your silence inflicts upon me.

It churns and boils deep inside of me, ready to bubble over. 

I take my shaking fingers and lift them to touch my mouth that no longer calls for you.

My lips are like ice.

They hurt from the cold so I lick them to feel warmth.

Remnants of the last time I kissed you coat my lips still, but they are no longer sweet. 

How bitter you taste to me now as I spit out what is left of you in front of me. 

I sit in shock of myself. 

I have never wanted to be rid of you so much in my life.

I don't know how to feel about these new feelings flooding my cold, betrayed body. 

They give me a horrible strength that could lead me from the darkness.

But if I embrace them, I will be irrevocably numb to you. 

The thought of such numbness brings upon my body an unbearable ache that I have never felt.

It feels as though my ribs are cracking and my heart will burst. 

Warm tears begin flowing from my eyes as I desperately pray for my heart to thaw. 

There has to be another way out of the darkness. 

I will not discard my good heart to mend the wounds you have left on me. 

So I sit and I wait and I think. 

The cold. 

It frightens me. 

Because it is swirling inside of my heart

Waiting for me to give in. 

I can not.

I will not. 

Letter Thirty Five

Where'd you go, you were there by my side

Keep believing it's my turn to hide

In a place where we don't have a prayer

There's a tether that's keeping me there

Trade our places

Take no chances

Bind me 'til my lips are silent

Stay where you are

Ever, after

Chasing things that we should run from

Will we ever get away from this place

It's an image that's burned on my chest

For a moment you need me to stay

Cold blooded and drifting away

I'm feeling capable of

Seeing the end

I'm feeling capable of

Saying it's over

Letter Thirty Four

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGikYoLRrJk

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth

And with a word all my love came rushing out

And every whisper, it's the worst,

Emptied out by a single word

There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown

I'm living on such sweet nothing

But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold

I'm living on such sweet nothing

And it's hard to learn

And it's hard to love

When you're giving me such sweet nothing

Sweet nothing, sweet nothing

You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go

Cause I have swallowed every single word

And every whisper, every sigh

Eats away this heart of mine

And there is a hollow in me now

And it's not enough to tell me that you care

When we both know the words are empty air

You give me nothing

Letter Thirty Three

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

I tried to find the sound

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became

 I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you"

I truly have become darkness. I am blinded and I am paralyzed. I am in the darkest place I have ever been in and I am completely alone. I have no one.

I sit and I stay in this darkness just to hear your heartbeat every once in awhile. And even when I do, it isn't beating for me. 

It's searching for a heart that is not mine; a perfect heart that exists somewhere in your future. 

My heart is not what you want. For some reason, I am not enough anymore. 

Letter Thirty Two

Today I miss you. 

I miss you kissing me on the nose. 
I miss talking for hours about nothing and everything.
I miss never feeling like I had to be anyone but myself around you.
I miss dancing in front of you to get your attention when you weren't giving me enough.
I miss your goofy voice mails. 
I miss hijacking your Facebook account and posting cheesy status updates about how much you love me. 
I miss going for walks.
I miss holding hands everywhere we went. 
I miss sharing music with you. 
I miss wearing your shirts when we were hanging out. 
I miss the smell of your cologne. 
I miss teasing you that U2 opened for Snow Patrol when really it was the other way around.
I miss your crazy hair. 
I miss your voice saying "Squirrelfriend". 
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss you laughing at all of my corny jokes. 
I miss dressing up for Halloween with you. 
I miss visiting you while you tended bar and pretending I didn't know you. 
I miss getting presents from you and for you. 
I miss making food with you. 
I miss the way you walk. 
I miss you threatening every boy that was mean to Laura. 
I miss watching home videos with you. 
I miss taking pictures with you because we are equally photogenic and vain. 
I miss freaking you out with random biting attacks.
I miss your cheesy pickup lines and the way you flirted with me.
I miss you laughing at quite possibly the dumbest YouTube parody videos in existence. 

I miss you a lot today.  

Letter Thirty One

I stared at the wall in silence

My eyes locked on nothing and yet everything all at once

Heavy arms hung from my sides, numb and unwavering, framing my body as it sat quietly

I felt nothing

I wondered if my heart was still beating

I couldn't hear it echoing through my chest like usual

The beat wasn't guiding my breathing anymore

My heart had to be there, because I was alive

Or was I just conscious? 

I made an attempt to find out

One huge gulp of dry, stale air entered my mouth 

It lingered one second too long and then promptly retreated between my lips

Breathing

Breathing was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I was breathing with the same lungs that allowed me to cry so helplessly for so long

Horrible tears had poured from these same eyes only months before

They were heavy, burning, hopeless tears 

Endless streams of them tattooed my cheeks 

Feeling

Feeling was good. Healthy. Normal. 

I felt for so long, so hard, so much. 

Too much

Every pain heightened to unbearable levels  

I was left with no other choice but to stop feeling

I was left numb 

Like a sleeping limb, a bitten tongue, a frozen heart 

Numb 

Numb was not good. Not healthy. Not normal. 

The numbness was a refreshing change though

...For awhile...

Then it remained and plagued my existence with its apathy

Lingering

...No, haunting 

Haunting my inner most self 

Threatening to alter my heart and spirit 

All I had left were my thoughts

Every limb, every organ, every part of me was numb except for my mind

Always reeling, spinning, screaming, echoing, singing, thinking

Thinking 

Thinking was better. Healthier. Normal.

This is where I am now. 

I have my thoughts  

They are my shield

My armor against the numbness and against the feelings

I fight reality and vulnerability with my thoughts

My armor and shield. 

My mask. 

My cage. 

My prison.

My secret. 

My mind. 

Letter Thirty

There is a red ink I have been writing with

It seeps from a cavity within my chest 

There is an endless supply of words

Pouring from my soul, onto this paper

Painful and honest scribbles 

Never meaningless and yet they are simple

Simple thoughts dancing like ribbon wrapping itself around a gift

Tied, knotted feelings weave through my chest, sewing and binding the cracked pieces of my heart back together 

Words.

Once swallowed, and forgotten 

Now raw and exposed

Like the songs that have spoken for my heart so many times 

Words.

Tattoos on the heartlines of my small and fragile hands.

You've held them, so tightly and sweetly, in your own not long ago

Our heartlines, once aligned, dancing along our touching palms, with the intensity of two aching heartbeats traveling in the same direction

The strong and painfully perfect rhythm held us together during our slow dance in the pouring rain.

Salty and cold, the raindrops, our tear drops, fell down to Earth

Puddles formed around our feet as we held onto one another tighter

We let the water rise until only our lips were above the surface

With one deep and final breath you pressed your sweet lips onto mine and we let the water devour our bodies

Drowning slowly in our tears, we chose to hold on rather than let go and swim

Breathing was not breathing without your lungs to fill mine

My hands would not work without yours perfectly embracing them

How could we let go and not hold one another amidst this flood

Slowly we let ourselves sink to the bottom of the heavy ocean we created 

The weight of the water crushed our bodies and the pressure from the waves threatened to separate us

Together, sad but determined, we pulled our mouths away from each other, our lips and hearts hating every moment apart 

Our hands slowly loosened their grip on one another and we released them to our sides

How empty and hallow my body felt without you holding it so securely in your strong arms

But we needed to swim

Away from each other

Up to the surface of our tears

To survive. To breathe. To float. To dance together again.