Letter Thirty Six

I am frightened. 

The cold. 

It hugs my windows, leaving icy diamonds around their frames. 

I sit and I wait. 

The frost starts to creep into my home. 

You left me all alone in this darkness you lured me into. 

You called for me in the dark and I came to your rescue.

I hugged your body and held your hand and kissed your forehead.

Every warm thought, every warm touch, every warm feeling I had, I gave to you. 

I lit every candle I had and made a path for you to follow out of the darkness.

But as you left the darkness, you blew out each candle until there was no more light left.

I thought you would take my hand and bring me with you. 

But you did not want me to come.

So I sit and I wait.

The frost begins to crawl onto my skin. 

It leaves icy diamonds all over my weak body. 

I feel a cold sting and ache over my bones and muscles as I try to move.

I realize you took all of my warmth with you. 

I try to call out but only an icy fog escapes from between my cold lips.

The fog crystallizes and I see each word I want to speak, frozen and floating away from me.

They try to follow your tracks, alas there is only darkness ahead. 

Silence. Just silence.

It screams so much louder than any word you could yell at me. 

It hurts more than any injury you could give me. 

It numbs more than any medicine could sedate me. 

The frost has now trickled its way into my heart. 

Icy hot pain shoots through my chest as I hold onto the feelings your silence inflicts upon me.

It churns and boils deep inside of me, ready to bubble over. 

I take my shaking fingers and lift them to touch my mouth that no longer calls for you.

My lips are like ice.

They hurt from the cold so I lick them to feel warmth.

Remnants of the last time I kissed you coat my lips still, but they are no longer sweet. 

How bitter you taste to me now as I spit out what is left of you in front of me. 

I sit in shock of myself. 

I have never wanted to be rid of you so much in my life.

I don't know how to feel about these new feelings flooding my cold, betrayed body. 

They give me a horrible strength that could lead me from the darkness.

But if I embrace them, I will be irrevocably numb to you. 

The thought of such numbness brings upon my body an unbearable ache that I have never felt.

It feels as though my ribs are cracking and my heart will burst. 

Warm tears begin flowing from my eyes as I desperately pray for my heart to thaw. 

There has to be another way out of the darkness. 

I will not discard my good heart to mend the wounds you have left on me. 

So I sit and I wait and I think. 

The cold. 

It frightens me. 

Because it is swirling inside of my heart

Waiting for me to give in. 

I can not.

I will not. 

Letter Thirty Five

Where'd you go, you were there by my side

Keep believing it's my turn to hide

In a place where we don't have a prayer

There's a tether that's keeping me there

Trade our places

Take no chances

Bind me 'til my lips are silent

Stay where you are

Ever, after

Chasing things that we should run from

Will we ever get away from this place

It's an image that's burned on my chest

For a moment you need me to stay

Cold blooded and drifting away

I'm feeling capable of

Seeing the end

I'm feeling capable of

Saying it's over

Letter Thirty Four

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGikYoLRrJk

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth

And with a word all my love came rushing out

And every whisper, it's the worst,

Emptied out by a single word

There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown

I'm living on such sweet nothing

But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold

I'm living on such sweet nothing

And it's hard to learn

And it's hard to love

When you're giving me such sweet nothing

Sweet nothing, sweet nothing

You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go

Cause I have swallowed every single word

And every whisper, every sigh

Eats away this heart of mine

And there is a hollow in me now

And it's not enough to tell me that you care

When we both know the words are empty air

You give me nothing

Letter Thirty Three

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

I tried to find the sound

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became

 I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you"

I truly have become darkness. I am blinded and I am paralyzed. I am in the darkest place I have ever been in and I am completely alone. I have no one.

I sit and I stay in this darkness just to hear your heartbeat every once in awhile. And even when I do, it isn't beating for me. 

It's searching for a heart that is not mine; a perfect heart that exists somewhere in your future. 

My heart is not what you want. For some reason, I am not enough anymore.